Things I Will Never Hear

I was walking down the hall with a new friend. A stranger approached from the other direction. As she got closer to us she called out, “Oh, my God! I wish I had your hair!”

I’d be lying if I told you it wasn’t perfectly clear who she was talking to, and that it wasn’t me. My friend had long, lustrous, snowy white hair. I had, well, my hair. And I knew immediately that I was never going to hear anyone direct that particular comment to me. Not without hair extensions- or a head transplant, as one of my hairdressers had unkindly suggested. Which got me thinking- what other comments am I never going to hear?

Please don’t stop singing! I could listen to you all night! My kids’ idea of torture may have been being stuck in a car with a mother who sang along to all her favorites. Loudly.

You were a trained dancer, weren’t you? I hit my dancing zenith as a 5-year old, tap-dancing to “Harrigan”. I think my topless look- suspenders only- and top hat distracted people from the complete lack of coordination between arms and feet.

Would you demonstrate that yoga move for the rest of the class? Unless it was to reinforce a “How NOT to”.

You tie a perfect bow! Have you ever noticed how craft teachers handle the uncrafty? They murmur, “Interesting…” Like a not-so-great blind date description.

Will you take a look under my hood and tell me what’s wrong with my car?” Beats me. The engine is there.

Hi, I’m your new pool boy! One needs a pool to begin with. Not gonna get a young hunk to service my hot tub, either.

Will you help me with my Algebra? Said no one. Ever. English, Writing, History, yes. But I want to go on record at this vantage point in my life: Note to all my Algebra Teachers: No, I never needed it. Ever.

Your long-lost distant cousin left his fortune to you.”I’ll be happy if I don’t inherit anyone’s debts.

Paul McCartney’s on the phone. After three marriages, if he hasn’t figured out we were meant for each other, it’s not gonna happen. And now, well, when I was 12 he was too old for me. Now he’s WAY too old for me.

If I close my eyes I could swear I was listening to Jimmy Paige! You rock that ‘Heartbreaker’ riff! I used to fantasize about being called up out of the audience to join a set. Without the audience running en masse from the venue, screaming.

 You have a green thumb! My thumb is so black husband begs me to avoid even being in the vicinity our plants.

It’s good to let go of some things.

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